The Final Chapter

I started this blog when I was about 17 weeks pregnant with Caroline. My intention was to document our lives as we got ready for her arrival and then to document her life throughout her first year. Well, her first year has come and gone and I am excited to turn this blog into a book!! This entry will be the final entry in the book. I am still going to keep the blog going - I know all our readers would be so sad if I didn't :) But, in a true "final chapter" kind of way, I am going to give a (probably very long) wrap up of the past year. It's mainly random thoughts so probably not very interesting...you have been warned!!

It's strange to be sitting here looking back at the year. So much has happened. Obviously Caroline has grown - tripling her weight and adding nearly a foot in length. She has learned some big things, like sitting up and rolling over to walking and saying words. Adam and I have also changed. Somewhere along the way we didn't just "have a baby", we became parents. The "lets write our wills so we know she'll be taken care of should anything happen to us, whats the best way to save for her education, only look for houses that include a playroom and big yard" type of parents. We had a lot of growing up to do but I know that our lives have more meaning and joy because of that. Don't get me wrong - I miss our random late night food runs (what is it about midnight that makes me so hungry???) but staying home with sleeping Caroline is so much better than a big greasy cheeseburger!

On May 30, 2010 I thought that I wouldn't get to experience raising my child. I remember laying on my bathroom floor in a puddle of blood. I didn't know what was going on and Adam wasn't there to reassure me that it would be okay. I don't handle crisis situations well, he does. I just knew that something was terribly wrong and I was probably going to die. I remember thinking that I didn't have Caroline for long enough to know her and I was so mad. At the same time, I was relieved that she was so little that she wouldn't remember me so there wouldn't be any painful memories. We left for the hospital so quickly that I didn't get to see Caroline. I didn't know if I had seen her for the last time or not. Without a doubt, that was the most scared I have ever been. It's a year later and I can barely think about it without breaking down into tears. There will be times that I look at Caroline and start crying because I can remember the day where I thought all of this was about to be taken away from me. I hope that I never take my time with her for granted, not one single second. There hasn't been a day yet where I don't go to bed thanking God for giving me that day and for having the chance to be her mom.

Some of my favorite moments of the past year were the times that I would rock her. It was so quiet and sweet and I loved the time where it was just her and me. I remember dreading the day when my mom left and Adam was at work. I was so nervous that I wouldn't know what to do by myself with a little baby. It didn't take long for me to figure it out and soon I was loving that time alone with her!

I've loved watching her little personality develop. She loves to talk and be the center of attention (I'm thinking that comes from Adam...), she's stubborn (unfortunatly she gets that from both parents), independant, loving, and so funny! She keeps us smiling all day long.

When I was pregnant, people would tell me that soon I wouldn't remember life without her. It's strange because to some degree that's true. Of course I remember my life pre baby - but I find myself saying "What did I do before Caroline" all the time! I am so used to packing a diaper bag that I feel anxious when I leave the house without her. It doesn't feel right having a bag so light anymore!!

I truly feel like a different person since having a baby. I know I have more patience (being pregnant and waiting on her arrival did that to me!). I used to be the person who would roll their eyes when a child wouldn't stop crying in a restaurant, now I am the mother of that child and praying that people aren't rolling their eyes at me. Even if they are, I don't care anymore. I am just happy that a crying child is a problem that I am lucky enough to have. I am so much more thankful and appreciative of everything now. Caroline made me a better person when she made me a mommy!

Caroline,
You are the most amazing thing in the world. I hope that you enjoy this book of your first year - I enjoyed documenting it! I love you so much baby girl!

Adam,
Can you believe that we've been parents for a whole year?? I am so thankful that you are the one that took this incredible journey with me. I have loved you for so many years. I have only had the chance to love you as a daddy for one year, but I can honestly say - I have never loved you more. You are the perfect father. I love the little girl that you gave me and I hope that we will more more children. I think the world needs more little pieces of you in it. If I could choose again, I'd still choose you. xo