That being a mom meant dealing with a ton of frustrations!!! This post is not cute and fun - it's just honest about how I feel, so skip it if you don't care about me and just want to see pictures of the baby. When I got home from the hospital I was weepy. I cried all the time. But then, things got better. I still get emotional over little things, but I'm not constantly upset like I was. Then this week came... I think I have decided to give up breastfeeding. I have been supplementing with formula since she was born while I tried to get my supply up but it's just not working like I want it to. Since I had PE and had to be on the magnesium, I was too weak to even hold her that first day so I couldn't nurse and right after birth is a critical time for them to learn to latch on. The magnesium made my milk slow to come in so I had to supplement until it did. It finally came in and then I had to go back to the hospital for the surgery. I was away from her for 3 days so she had to have formula. I was pumping, but not too much since I was drugged up and out of it for a day and a half. Because of the surgery, I didn't have a good appetite for almost two weeks. I was tired, weak, stressed and still very weepy so I wasn't producing a lot. After that...my supply was VERY low. I have been taking fenugreek at the maximum dose allowed but that's not doing much for me. I have been nursing/pumping every 1.5/2 hours so I haven't been able to leave the house since my life revolves around this. Part of me is ready to throw in the towel and the other part wants to keep going. I wish I could do it...I mean breastfeeding is supposed to be natural, right? I shouldn't be sad about giving up, but it really makes me sad - even though I was never able to breastfeed exclusively. Ughhh...what to do?? (Sweet Candice...keep that formula coming :) )
I knew that things were going to change with a baby around, how could they not? What I didn't expect was that they would change my relationship with Adam. In so many ways this experience has made us so much closer. It was just him and me on this journey. We got to share everything - from finding out we were having a baby, to seeing the first ultrasound, to picking out her nursry, to witnessing her first moments of life. We have this wonderful, new, incredible bond that we cannot have with anyone else, but our relationship is different. We don't have our time together anymore. From having a conversation to watching tv together, we are interrupted with crying. Don't get me wrong - I would much rather be interruped with cries for a while then live my life and not get the chance to be a mother but still, it's not the same as it was and I loved how it was. Our relationship was the best. We laughed all the time - now we're too tired to laugh!! I know that once we get the hang of things, our relationship will be better than ever. But for now - I miss my husband.
I had this romantic idea that I would just love EVERYTHING about having a baby. I love everything about Caroline but I don't love everything that comes along with her. Of course then it makes me feel guilty that I don't just love sterilizing bottles and mixing bottles and doing a million extra loads of laundry each day. I feel like I should love it because I WANTED a baby. It's just a frustrating feeling to deal with each day.
And finally (I'm sure you are all sick of my complaining) I am just tired of feeling stuck. I'm ready to see my friends again. It's hard when others don't have kids because they can get up and go anywhere and I can't anymore. Basically I need everyone to have babies so we can all be mom friends together :) I know that will get easier too but patience is not one of my many strengths. I know I sound like I am ungrateful for this beautiful healthy baby that I have but I'm really not. Like I said, I would much rather have all these frustrations and issues but still have her than get to come and go as I please. I'm glad that breastfeeding is an issue that I have because it means I get to be a mom. There's just a lot of adjusting. Every aspect of my life has been altered and I was not prepared for that. I knew there would be changes, just not this many!!
7 comments:
Emily, if you didn't post such things I think that we would all think that you are crazy. I didn't read anything in this post that I haven't read/heard from other new mom's who I know and some I have never met. It is just like anything else, it is change, you will adjust. I love you Sweet Emily and I wish I was closer!
You are right about everything--- having a precious baby is great and hard and tiring and thrilling and on and on it goes-- you go through every possible emotion almost daily it seems--- b/f Lois Anne, honestly, I wouldn't have been able to identify w/ your nursing situation-- Hudson was so easy and I got the "oh, it's so natural" beauty of it, but with LA-- you know I was humbled right off my high horse--- and I'm a better mom b/c I am flexible, I can see what's best for her and we are doing both--- I've learned that the best thing for your child, is whatever works for your family-- and I know being tied to that damn pump is awful-- so, my point is, you've fought a good fight, you've tried-- if it's time for you to give up BFing, make that decision w/ no regrets-- if you're not quite ready to, nurse/pump every 4-5 hours, see how that goes--- I am doing about 4 ounces of formula every 4-6 hours and letting LA "hang out at the nap"/nurse on demand---it's agreeing w/ her, maybe that would work in some variation for Caroline--it's all just trial and error ....and I know you miss Adam, but it does get better and you will get to the point where you don't remember you two before her--- I promise I'm being honest-- we wouldn't have gone for round two otherwise... you're doing a good job!!! And you know what? I bet the Virgin Mary felt that mother-guilt at some point-- we all do!
Hey Lady,
Give yourself a week of not breastfeeding and all the guilt will be gone. You'll feel like a new person. As for mommy friends, were going to get together asap and vent it all out... it's so normal all of it I promise and it will get better!!! Love you!
I agree with the Cassie. I tried to breastfeed our fist baby, but have 38 hours of labor I was just too tired. It completely stressed me out, wondering if she was getting enough, etc. I was an emotional wreck, filled with guilt. Judson and I decided the best way for me to take care of our baby was to take care of myself. I felt like she could detect my stress level and anxiety, so I let go of the idea.
I also remember feeling like Judson and I would never be able to carry on a conversation, or go to bed at the same time. It gets better! I had the same feeling with the second one, and it is already much better!
Hang in there, Emily!
I agree with Rebecca and Sara. What is best for you is best for your baby! She has gotten enough of the good stuff from you, now she just needs you to be happy!
Some of the best folks were formula fed- like me! And really, who wants to bag-balm their tatas for several months?!
Seriously though, I love love love you and I'm hoping you feel better. Adam is a trooper, and he'll be fine! If you need a break, send little C to us in a Moses basket up to the Puget Sound okay? love!!
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