That being a mom meant dealing with a ton of frustrations!!! This post is not cute and fun - it's just honest about how I feel, so skip it if you don't care about me and just want to see pictures of the baby. When I got home from the hospital I was weepy. I cried all the time. But then, things got better. I still get emotional over little things, but I'm not constantly upset like I was. Then this week came... I think I have decided to give up breastfeeding. I have been supplementing with formula since she was born while I tried to get my supply up but it's just not working like I want it to. Since I had PE and had to be on the magnesium, I was too weak to even hold her that first day so I couldn't nurse and right after birth is a critical time for them to learn to latch on. The magnesium made my milk slow to come in so I had to supplement until it did. It finally came in and then I had to go back to the hospital for the surgery. I was away from her for 3 days so she had to have formula. I was pumping, but not too much since I was drugged up and out of it for a day and a half. Because of the surgery, I didn't have a good appetite for almost two weeks. I was tired, weak, stressed and still very weepy so I wasn't producing a lot. After that...my supply was VERY low. I have been taking fenugreek at the maximum dose allowed but that's not doing much for me. I have been nursing/pumping every 1.5/2 hours so I haven't been able to leave the house since my life revolves around this. Part of me is ready to throw in the towel and the other part wants to keep going. I wish I could do it...I mean breastfeeding is supposed to be natural, right? I shouldn't be sad about giving up, but it really makes me sad - even though I was never able to breastfeed exclusively. Ughhh...what to do?? (Sweet Candice...keep that formula coming :) )
I knew that things were going to change with a baby around, how could they not? What I didn't expect was that they would change my relationship with Adam. In so many ways this experience has made us so much closer. It was just him and me on this journey. We got to share everything - from finding out we were having a baby, to seeing the first ultrasound, to picking out her nursry, to witnessing her first moments of life. We have this wonderful, new, incredible bond that we cannot have with anyone else, but our relationship is different. We don't have our time together anymore. From having a conversation to watching tv together, we are interrupted with crying. Don't get me wrong - I would much rather be interruped with cries for a while then live my life and not get the chance to be a mother but still, it's not the same as it was and I loved how it was. Our relationship was the best. We laughed all the time - now we're too tired to laugh!! I know that once we get the hang of things, our relationship will be better than ever. But for now - I miss my husband.
I had this romantic idea that I would just love EVERYTHING about having a baby. I love everything about Caroline but I don't love everything that comes along with her. Of course then it makes me feel guilty that I don't just love sterilizing bottles and mixing bottles and doing a million extra loads of laundry each day. I feel like I should love it because I WANTED a baby. It's just a frustrating feeling to deal with each day.
And finally (I'm sure you are all sick of my complaining) I am just tired of feeling stuck. I'm ready to see my friends again. It's hard when others don't have kids because they can get up and go anywhere and I can't anymore. Basically I need everyone to have babies so we can all be mom friends together :) I know that will get easier too but patience is not one of my many strengths. I know I sound like I am ungrateful for this beautiful healthy baby that I have but I'm really not. Like I said, I would much rather have all these frustrations and issues but still have her than get to come and go as I please. I'm glad that breastfeeding is an issue that I have because it means I get to be a mom. There's just a lot of adjusting. Every aspect of my life has been altered and I was not prepared for that. I knew there would be changes, just not this many!!